The secret to genuine self-confidence

Clients often approach me because their lack of confidence is holding them back.

A lack of confidence can get in the way of doing well at work, or enjoying your social life. It can affect your relationships. Lacking confidence can also cause you to feel anxious and depressed.

So let’s have a think about what it means to build self-confidence.

You might believe that being confident is about telling yourself how wonderful you are. But this is a myth!

In fact, confidence is more about forgetting who you are, and focussing on the world around you. This outward focus on other people, what you are doing, or your surroundings, reduces feelings of self-consciousness.

True confidence is about acting with optimism, calm, energy and focus.

And the trick to being confident in a situation that may cause you anxiety is to cultivate the belief that no matter what happens you will be able to handle it.

This is very different from trying to tell yourself that everything is going to be ok. For example, rather than saying to yourself “I am going to ace this presentation and everyone is going to love me”, confident people are more likely to remind themselves: “I will give this presentation my best shot; but whatever happens, I will be just fine”.

When someone is genuinely confident, they are able to successfully and calmly manage life’s uncertainties.

Relaxing when life is uncertain is a difficult skill.

Uncertainty, by its very nature, is unsettling and causes us anxiety.

In fact, our brains are hard-wired to see danger and threat in uncertain situations.  Our imaginations can trick us into seeing things that aren’t there. Like waking up in the middle of the night and mistaking the dressing gown on the back of the door for an intruder.

Such interpretations fill us with fear and dread.

To overcome this, and build our confidence, we can override this tendency and practice making more constructive interpretations.

If, ahead of an important presentation, you imagine things like “Oh no, what if I fall to pieces and blush and stammer and say something dreadful by accident?”.

Every time you contemplate giving your presentation, you will feel anxious and fearful.

Because you are misusing your imagination to undermine your confidence.

This imagined scenario causes fear and anxiety and could even stop you from giving your talk.

But what if instead you imagine yourself feeling completely calm and relaxed throughout your presentation?

Imagining the talk going well and you feeling good about it. And imagining that even if something went wrong you would be completely ok with it and would be able to cope.   

So that every time you thought about the prospect of giving a presentation, you felt calm and optimistic.

Do you think this would help you feel much more self-confident?